God's been asking me lately

What am I willing to give up for Him?

I was reading Genesis 22 where Abraham is asked to sacrifice Isaac on the mountain when God asked me, "Would you do the same?"

That got me thinking. Am I really willing to give up anything for God? My wish to say "yes" isn't necessarily true about anything. What if He asked me to give up my family? My comforts? What if He asked me to give up horses? It's definitely thought-provoking. I want to say "yes", but He challenged me lately.



He asked me to give up Angel for Him.



He asked me if I would be willing to give up horses at all. He asked me if He was most important. If He mattered more to me than anything else in the world.

And you know what?

I don't want to say "yes" to that.

But I'm going to anyway. I'm going to make God most important in my life. He matters more to me than anything.

Ah the joys of life...

Well. Moving has been set back another week. Oh, well. We were at the house site today and I love the almost wrap around porches. They make me want to have a swing or chair out there. I thought of summer nights watching my imaginary (hopefully not for long) horse. I thought of cold winter nights with hot cider or hot chocolate and a blanket looking up at the stars. I thought of late night talks with people I love. I thought of dancing. I thought of God. I thought of dreams that I have (having a horse for instance). I thought of hope and Christmases there. I thought of the possibility of babysitting again. I thought of making friends and sharing these times with them. As I looked off the porch at the mountains (over the construction site, of course), I tried to imagine what the property is hopefully going to look like instead of the brush and briars it is right now. I imagined the orchard and the garden, the animals (especially the horse! haha), the front yard, etc.

It's just so fun to dream once in a while. Having friends over and riding horses. Babysitting, cooking with our own fruits and vegetables, gardening, mowing (yes, I actually enjoy mowing when it's a riding mower), swimming (if we ever get a swimming pool), walks in the woods, choosing a Christmas tree from our own property again, having Christmases there, watching huge thunderstorms roll in (it's a family pastime) and seeing the full rainbow afterwards (wide open skies are awesome), watching the snow fall and seeing the place all in white (prayfully Christmas eve?), spending time on the porch reading my Bible and watching meteor showers (if there are any), looking out over the gorgeous autumn colors, okay, you get the picture. It sounds like so much fun. But does anyone ever wonder if it will really happen?


Reading my Bible and praying anywhere out there is so peaceful. I spent my first prayer time in my bedroom (not finished yet) on my knees today. There's also something about the wide open spaces that makes me want to dance. I have no idea why. But when I see all this, I have to wonder how people could think the world was evolved. The beautiful mountains, the open skies. The animals. The horse alone is so beautiful. I have no idea how people can actually think it evolved. Every movement is breathtaking. The soft, expressive eyes are so beautiful. Every curve is so precise. Every muscle put to the exact place. Their ears are curved just perfectly. Their noses are soft and velvety. Their colors are gorgeous. The hooves are hard and resilient. They can start galloping from a standstill. Some can turn on a dime. Dressage horses can make the most complicated thing look so easy and beautiful. Hunters make jumping look like flying without wings (but it sure is easy to imagine them, isn't it?). When a horse spooks, they really can run! When horses canter, it looks like a rocking horse in motion. I don't know if this is true with everyone (probably not), but it just captures my attention and refuses to let go. I don't want to look at anything else or listen to someone who is talking. It's like I'm in a dream or a fairy tale when I watch a horse canter. Okay, probably it's just me. But whatever. Anyway, I just can't see how someone can think that they came about by these random processes. They're just so gorgeous and beautiful. I can't get over them. How could they have evolved?

Anyway, that was an entirely different tangent than what I was going for. It was just really nice to dream today. I hope this all works out for the best someday.

Fears and realizations

Some short notes about yesterday. I had a wonderful time with my baby, Angel. She was perfect, as usual. I had a trail ride on one of the other horses, too. That was good. Then, I went hiking with my brother and his girlfriend. I took a bunch of pictures of them together. Then we went to see our old house in Appomattox. My little brother said that there was a subdivision in there or something, but when we got there, it was NOT a subdivision. In fact, just the opposite, and I'm not sure which idea would have made me most sad. It was probably my favorite house we have ever lived at. The sight we saw when we went was soo depressing. It was totally overgrown with weeds, grass, trees, everything. The house looks like it hasn't been lived in for at least a few months. There was a security lock on the door, too. We didn't see any for sale sign anywhere, unless it was buried under the weeds. It was one of the most sad sights I have seen in a long time. It was such a beautiful house when we lived there. The land is so pretty, too. Now it's totally over grown. I'm very sad about it. I miss that place, and it is so sad to see it so run down. *sigh* After that, we tried to find our way on the backroads to Grandma's house, but we hadn't been that way in so long, we couldn't remember how to get there, and somehow we got lost. We drove around for about 45 min. without knowing where we were and made our way back to our house. We never made it to Grandma's house. It's also really sad that we can't remember the way there! ='(


I am having an very interesting life. Some stuff going on that is making me question my motives in things. Sometimes I have to wonder if I am really doing what I am doing the way that God said to or whether I'm doing it for my own benefit. I really am having a hard last few weeks. I don't know what to do to fix it and make it easier other than talk to God. I'm trying so hard to keep going, but I can't figure out how to do it. I want so badly to hold on to God. I am trying so hard. But it's not happening. I'm slipping away. I feel like at any moment, I'm going to fall and break into a million pieces, never to be okay again. My friend told me a week or so ago that I don't have to hold on. I talked to her about how desperately I wanted to hold on. I don't want to slip. She told me that it's okay to let go. It's okay to let go, because God is gonna hold me. I don't have to hold on, because He's holding me. It's been a crazy life already, and I'm not even started on life yet. I hate to think how bad life can get later. I hope it can't get too much harder. I am really struggling with a couple of relationships right now. I am having a little trouble dealing with them because of circumstances and the way that people are or like to do things. I realized that I can't just drop a relationship because I "can't deal with it". I realized that it's going to get hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's going to be like that forever. I just need to let God do the work and hold on to Him. I just need to love people where they are and accept them. I just need to love them no matter what. I am feeling so afraid right now. I still can't let go and let God hold me. I am afraid to let go I guess. I want to, but I just am not sure that God is gonna be there if I do let go. In my head I know He says He is, but it just won't sink in. It's another trust thing. I just am not sure that I can trust him. Don't get me wrong, I know He's trustworthy. I know in my head that He is who He says He is and He will be there for me, but I just have so much trouble just trusting. I don't know why, I just do. I want to trust Him, and I know He's trustworthy, I just....*sigh* I don't know. It's just me, I know. There's no one else who thinks like this. Phooey. I know He says to trust Him and I know He's trustworthy, but I just don't know how to do it. It's so hard. I want to let go and let Him hold me. I don't have anything left. I can't keep going. I can't hold on anymore.

My strength is almost gone,
How can I carry on,
When I can't find You?
~Casting Crowns, "Praise You in This Storm"

I just feel like I'm so lost. I am out of strength. It is hard to carry on. Has anyone ever felt like God isn't there? It's so hard to tell the difference between God talking to me and me talking to myself, trying to make myself feel better or something. Has anyone ever had trouble telling the difference? I feel so hopeless. All I have left is to try to remember God is there. All I have left is faith. All I can do is believe that He really is going to hold me and believe that He really does love me and it's not just something I'm making up.




Even though I can't, all I can do is trust Him.