God's Angel (Part Five)

Part Five

It took me a while to get past those questions. I don’t think that God ever wants people to be hurt. I don’t think He ever wants us to go through pain. Which lead me to ask why He would allow it to happen. He has the power to stop the pain. Why would He let it happen if He loves me so much? He knew how much I loved Angel. He knew how much I wanted her. He knew how I would feel. He knew how I would react. He knew how often I had prayed about her. How could He allow something like that to happen to me if He loves me so much?

But something I’m learning: God’s love is not dependent on other Christians. God’s love is not dependent on what happens in my life. God’s love is dependent on one thing and one thing only. Jesus Christ’s love was completed and proven upon the cross of Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

I guess my biggest question to God is this: “Why did You bring it up in the first place?” He knew how much I loved her. He knew how I would react and how I would feel. My only thought is that He wanted to use it in my life to make me more like Him. My greatest desire is to be like Him. But couldn’t He have used something else to make me more like Him? He could have just left Angel well enough alone. But then again, Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” I know I love God. And I really want to believe that this will turn out for good. But some days, I just want to scream at God. I want to know why. Some days I just want to quit on God. He just won’t tell me why. Perhaps there are only answers to that question in Heaven.

When it comes right down to it, I know I couldn’t quit on God. I couldn’t live without Him. He’s been my comfort through it all. He has always been there. He knows. He understands, even though no one else I know does. It’s amazing how much it means when someone actually truly understands what you’re going through. Especially when there literally is no one else.

I haven’t cried outwardly for a while. But sometimes I cry inside. I think He understands the silent tears.

I try not to talk about it anymore, because there is nothing more to say. I don’t have it all straight. I don’t know what God has for me in this. I don’t understand the purpose in this situation, but I know that God has a reason for it. I hope that God can use my story in someone else’s life, because I know I am not the only one to suffer disappointments.

It has been four months since that day I found out I wasn’t going to get her. I should be over it by now. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. Especially considering I never believed it would happen in the first place. On beautiful days, it is very hard for me to not think about it, because it would have been a perfect day to ride. If nothing had changed, I would have her by now.

But I guess that wasn’t God’s will for my life.

I just found out that Angel has moved away from the farm where I met her. The farm where most of this story occurred. Her owner moved her closer to her house so that she could see her more often. Angel is finally back with her owner. It is a bittersweet feeling for me. I think that God has answered that prayer that I prayed two years ago. But I will never see her again. I never got to say goodbye.

The other thing for me was the fact that I have been struggling with wanting to hope. I don’t know how to hope for the future anymore. I don’t know how to hope that I will ever have a horse. I really felt like God had given me hope and then torn it away again. I was holding on to Psalm 37:4 –“Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I really thought that God was going to give me Angel. But I think I was expecting God to give me Angel because I was delighting in Him. But that’s not what the verse says. It says to “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” God is God. He doesn’t have to do anything for me. I haven’t done God any favors by delighting myself in Him, and even if I had, He still wouldn’t owe me anything.

But one of my sisters said something to me recently. She said that I shouldn’t say that God gave me hope when I was going to get Angel. Maybe she’s right. I always had hope. I still do. I have the biggest God ever. Jeremiah 14:22 (ESV) says, “Are there any among the false gods of the nations that can bring rain? Or can the heavens give showers? Are you not he, O LORD our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things.”

Another sister told me that God doesn’t want things like that to happen to me. She said that God is just as hurt over the situation as I am. She thinks that God is weeping with me.

God's Angel (Part Four)

Part Four

Well, that same day, my riding teacher told me that Angel’s owner had changed her mind about leasing Angel to me. Apparently, Angel’s owner was going to come and tell me herself, but we had called and changed the day that I was coming to Friday instead of Saturday. So Angel’s owner was not able to come. Angel’s owner was going to call me.

But there was another horse that my riding teacher knew of that was for sale that sounded like he would be a good horse. It was bitterly cold out, so I spent that afternoon playing a game inside until my Dad came to pick me up.

As we were heading out the driveway, my Dad made a comment on how we really needed to get some fencing going. I told him that there was no point because I was not getting Angel. Poor Dad didn’t know what to say. He quoted Job 1:21b- “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” I gripped that verse with all my strength, because I did not want to be bitter at God.

I had no idea how to break it to my Mom. She would be pretty disappointed. And she was. She wanted to know why Angel’s owner changed her mind.

I was in denial. Some days, I still am. I didn’t cry until at least two days later, because I was determined not to cry about it. I wished it was all a bad dream. What finally made me break down was when I was talking to my Mom. I told her I didn’t want another horse.

I think it was a few days later, we called my riding teacher. My Mom asked why Angel’s owner had changed her mind. Apparently, Angel’s owner was not comfortable with the idea because 1) I lived two hours away, and 2) I have never owned a horse before, and I probably would not know what to do if Angel became sick.

I thought about buying that other horse that my riding teacher knew about. I prayed about it, because I wasn’t sure if I could handle getting a horse right then. It turned out that that horse sold, too.

I felt like God was taking everything away.

I waited and waited for Angel’s owner to call me so I could understand why.

But she never did.

I was angry because I didn’t understand why she had told me about it in the first place. I wanted to know why. I thought that if a person is responsible and mature, they would have the guts to call and explain, even if they were afraid of what my reaction would be. I talked with her already. She acted fine with everything. But she didn’t have the guts to call me back and explain. Or the time, anyway.

The few days following that January 8^th, I was in denial. It was the only way that I could keep myself from crying endlessly. I pretended that nothing happened. It didn’t matter. I was fine. I told God almost nothing, except that I would do His will, no matter what the cost. I thought that was what He wanted. I thought He wanted me to give up Angel for Him. I made a commitment to God at a youth meeting to put Him first in my life this year, and to place His will above my desires.

Maybe a week or so later, I took a Saturday to sit on my bed and read my Bible until I found something. (Psalm 119:81-82 “My soul faints for Your salvation, But I hope in Your word. My eyes fail from searching Your word, Saying, “When will You comfort me?”)

I didn’t know what I was searching for. I didn’t know what I would find. I started reading through the Psalms, starting in Psalm chapter one. I read and prayed for about two hours, trying to find something. God showed me Psalm 34: 18-“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” I prayed and tried to understand. I asked God to help me accept His will and help me to tell everyone, because I was much too disappointed to tell everyone myself. That day, I came to the conclusion that God brought this situation in my life to draw me closer to Him and to drive me to Himself.

Well, I managed to re-tell everyone that I had told about getting her that I wasn’t getting her. That was a God thing, because I seriously didn’t want to tell anyone. As I mentioned earlier, I never quite believed it was going to happen anyway, so I didn’t tell very many people. The thing I’m still trying to figure out is why it hurt so much when I never really believed it would happen in the first place.

I was devastated. I had suffered many disappointments before, but nothing so huge as this. I was very frustrated with people and life in general.

I was disappointed with God. I did not understand what He was doing. I felt like God had left me alone to handle it by myself. God had let me down. Or so I had thought.

I felt betrayed. Vulnerable. Broken. Shattered. Violated. Used.

I felt like God was playing with me. At first I thought He wanted it to happen that way. I didn’t understand why God would want me to be disappointed. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to go through this.

Hadn’t God promised over and over in His Word to be a shield for me? I thought He would protect me. Why did He stop protecting me?

Black Angel

The first one is my favorite.

God's Angel (Part Three)

Part Three

Then, on November 30^th, 2009, the phone rang. My stomach had been feeling weird all day. I had no idea why, and there was no reason for it. There was a message on the cell phone. My Mom was acting very strange when she got off the phone from calling back. I was doing dishes and I asked who it was. She didn’t respond and went downstairs to speak with Dad. I can’t remember if Mom came back up and told me to come downstairs or if I just came downstairs. But it doesn’t matter that much either way. I sat down on the keyboard bench that was in my Dad’s office. It must have been five minutes of waiting for them to decide who was going to tell me. I think it was a combination of the two in the end, anyway.

Angel had had a colic incident and her owner had come to see her. Angel was fine. Her owner however, told my riding teacher that she had just moved and was going to be extremely busy for the next year. She wanted to lease Angel to someone for a year, and asked if my riding teacher knew of someone who would be interested. My riding teacher thought of me immediately.

I was going to lease Angel. She was going to be my horse for a year. She was going to live at my house and I was going to see her every day for a year. God answered my prayer more perfectly than I could have imagined. I didn’t quite believe it was really happening. I told a few people about it, but since I wasn’t positive it was happening until she was on my property, I didn’t tell very many people.

We called my riding teacher back to say that “yes,” I wanted to lease her. We got her owner’s phone number and called her. Angel’s owner’s phone was extremely full of messages and it was probably about two weeks before I got a hold of her to confirm it. I asked her my questions and told her that I wanted to lease Angel. She sounded like she was fine with everything, but really emphasized the fact that Angel needed good fencing. She told me to call her if I had any more questions and let her know when we could meet so we could talk about details.

In December, I went to see Angel again to go out and groom her and hang out with her. I sat in the paddock as she ate her hay and I talked to her about my plans. I talked to her about coming to live with me and how much fun it would be. I talked to her about God and how amazing He is. I told her about this amazing cranberry-colored blanket that I was going to get for her.

Christmas was insane here. I was happy, but really too busy to focus on anything. My Christmas Angel was not coming right away, but I was still totally happy. Angel was my favorite Christmas present.

Shortly after Christmas, I was becoming discouraged again because it kept snowing and we couldn’t build a barn or fencing in the snow. I had to wait until spring before I could bring her to my house. That horse that our friend had was sold.

On January 8^th, 2010, I went to see her again. It was freezing that day. I don’t think it made it out of the teens. But I didn’t care. I was so glad to see Angel. I told her that day that I didn’t understand how we were ever going to get a barn or fencing up if God kept sending all the snow. After all, didn’t He know how frustrated I was? I was discouraged and didn’t think that it would really happen. But I tried to tell myself that I had to be patient. I prayed with Angel and told God that I would wait. I told God that if it was His will for us to never be together, then I would accept that.

One of the hardest things to do as a Christian is telling God that you want His will more than you want yours. But if you want to give your life for God, it is a necessity. As I have already mentioned, there is a high price to be paid for following Christ. But I dare say it’s worth it. After all, hasn’t God already paid the highest price for me?