God's Angel (Part Six)

Part Six

This is not going to be a fantastic ending, because I still don’t have any answers. But I’m going to end with some verses and quotes that will I think will give you hope. First, one of my favorite passages.

>>>Psalm 62:5-8

“⁵ My soul, wait silently for God alone,

For my expectation is from Him.

⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation;

He is my defense;

I shall not be moved.

⁷ In God is my salvation and my glory;

The rock of my strength,

And my refuge, is in God.

⁸ Trust in Him at all times, you people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah”

I love this passage because it reminds me to talk to God, and to not be afraid to tell Him the little things that are bothering me that no one else cares about. Next are a few passages about hope.

>>>Romans 8:24-25

“²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.”

>>>Romans 5:1-5

“¹ Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

>>>Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

>>>Psalm 33:11

“The counsel of the LORD stands forever,

The plans of His heart to all generations.”

>>>Psalm 33:17-18

¹⁷ “A horse is a vain hope for safety;
Neither shall it deliver any by its great strength.
¹⁸ Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,”

>>>Romans 12:12

“…rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer;”

>>>Psalm 119:50

“This is my comfort in my affliction,

For Your word has given me life.”

>>>Psalm 42:5

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.”

>>>Psalm 71:14

“But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.”

>>>Job 11:18

“And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety.”

>>>Hebrews 6:19

“Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil;”

>>>Ecclesiastes 9:4a

“For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope…”

>>>Hebrews 10:23

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”

>>>Psalm 71:5

“For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;

You are my trust from my youth.”

Reading the above verses, the first thing I think I need to realize is that true hope is from God. God gives me hope. I am void of true hope-hopeless-without Him. I also think I need to realize that true hope is in God. You know something cool? When you place your hope in God, you’ll never be disappointed. I’m not saying that if you ask God for something you want, that He’s going to necessarily give it to you (You’d better re-read this whole story if you think that). But we have a “hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast,” (Hebrews 6:19). This hope that is spoken of is the hope of our Salvation. We are secure in God’s Salvation. We’ll never lose it.

Here are a couple of passages that I would like to share about comfort.

>>>Isaiah 51:3

“For the LORD will comfort Zion,

He will comfort all her waste places;

He will make her wilderness like Eden,

And her desert like the garden of the LORD;

Joy and gladness will be found in it,

Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.”

>>>2 Corinthians 1:3-10

“³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. ⁸For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.”

>>>2 Kings 20:5

“Thus saith the LORD, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee: on the third day thou shalt go up unto the house of the LORD.”

>>>Psalm 119:71

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.”

>>>Isaiah 40:11

“He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.”

>>>Isaiah 46:4

“And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.”

Matthew 11:28-29

“ ²⁸Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

Maybe this story isn’t meant to be about understanding. Maybe it’s not about knowing why. Maybe I really will never know why God brought this into my life. Maybe this is something that God can use in someone else’ s life. This is what I’d like to be able to say-

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” (Psalm 119:71)

God's Angel (Part Five)

Part Five

It took me a while to get past those questions. I don’t think that God ever wants people to be hurt. I don’t think He ever wants us to go through pain. Which lead me to ask why He would allow it to happen. He has the power to stop the pain. Why would He let it happen if He loves me so much? He knew how much I loved Angel. He knew how much I wanted her. He knew how I would feel. He knew how I would react. He knew how often I had prayed about her. How could He allow something like that to happen to me if He loves me so much?

But something I’m learning: God’s love is not dependent on other Christians. God’s love is not dependent on what happens in my life. God’s love is dependent on one thing and one thing only. Jesus Christ’s love was completed and proven upon the cross of Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

I guess my biggest question to God is this: “Why did You bring it up in the first place?” He knew how much I loved her. He knew how I would react and how I would feel. My only thought is that He wanted to use it in my life to make me more like Him. My greatest desire is to be like Him. But couldn’t He have used something else to make me more like Him? He could have just left Angel well enough alone. But then again, Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” I know I love God. And I really want to believe that this will turn out for good. But some days, I just want to scream at God. I want to know why. Some days I just want to quit on God. He just won’t tell me why. Perhaps there are only answers to that question in Heaven.

When it comes right down to it, I know I couldn’t quit on God. I couldn’t live without Him. He’s been my comfort through it all. He has always been there. He knows. He understands, even though no one else I know does. It’s amazing how much it means when someone actually truly understands what you’re going through. Especially when there literally is no one else.

I haven’t cried outwardly for a while. But sometimes I cry inside. I think He understands the silent tears.

I try not to talk about it anymore, because there is nothing more to say. I don’t have it all straight. I don’t know what God has for me in this. I don’t understand the purpose in this situation, but I know that God has a reason for it. I hope that God can use my story in someone else’s life, because I know I am not the only one to suffer disappointments.

It has been four months since that day I found out I wasn’t going to get her. I should be over it by now. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. Especially considering I never believed it would happen in the first place. On beautiful days, it is very hard for me to not think about it, because it would have been a perfect day to ride. If nothing had changed, I would have her by now.

But I guess that wasn’t God’s will for my life.

I just found out that Angel has moved away from the farm where I met her. The farm where most of this story occurred. Her owner moved her closer to her house so that she could see her more often. Angel is finally back with her owner. It is a bittersweet feeling for me. I think that God has answered that prayer that I prayed two years ago. But I will never see her again. I never got to say goodbye.

The other thing for me was the fact that I have been struggling with wanting to hope. I don’t know how to hope for the future anymore. I don’t know how to hope that I will ever have a horse. I really felt like God had given me hope and then torn it away again. I was holding on to Psalm 37:4 –“Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I really thought that God was going to give me Angel. But I think I was expecting God to give me Angel because I was delighting in Him. But that’s not what the verse says. It says to “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” God is God. He doesn’t have to do anything for me. I haven’t done God any favors by delighting myself in Him, and even if I had, He still wouldn’t owe me anything.

But one of my sisters said something to me recently. She said that I shouldn’t say that God gave me hope when I was going to get Angel. Maybe she’s right. I always had hope. I still do. I have the biggest God ever. Jeremiah 14:22 (ESV) says, “Are there any among the false gods of the nations that can bring rain? Or can the heavens give showers? Are you not he, O LORD our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things.”

Another sister told me that God doesn’t want things like that to happen to me. She said that God is just as hurt over the situation as I am. She thinks that God is weeping with me.

God's Angel (Part Four)

Part Four

Well, that same day, my riding teacher told me that Angel’s owner had changed her mind about leasing Angel to me. Apparently, Angel’s owner was going to come and tell me herself, but we had called and changed the day that I was coming to Friday instead of Saturday. So Angel’s owner was not able to come. Angel’s owner was going to call me.

But there was another horse that my riding teacher knew of that was for sale that sounded like he would be a good horse. It was bitterly cold out, so I spent that afternoon playing a game inside until my Dad came to pick me up.

As we were heading out the driveway, my Dad made a comment on how we really needed to get some fencing going. I told him that there was no point because I was not getting Angel. Poor Dad didn’t know what to say. He quoted Job 1:21b- “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” I gripped that verse with all my strength, because I did not want to be bitter at God.

I had no idea how to break it to my Mom. She would be pretty disappointed. And she was. She wanted to know why Angel’s owner changed her mind.

I was in denial. Some days, I still am. I didn’t cry until at least two days later, because I was determined not to cry about it. I wished it was all a bad dream. What finally made me break down was when I was talking to my Mom. I told her I didn’t want another horse.

I think it was a few days later, we called my riding teacher. My Mom asked why Angel’s owner had changed her mind. Apparently, Angel’s owner was not comfortable with the idea because 1) I lived two hours away, and 2) I have never owned a horse before, and I probably would not know what to do if Angel became sick.

I thought about buying that other horse that my riding teacher knew about. I prayed about it, because I wasn’t sure if I could handle getting a horse right then. It turned out that that horse sold, too.

I felt like God was taking everything away.

I waited and waited for Angel’s owner to call me so I could understand why.

But she never did.

I was angry because I didn’t understand why she had told me about it in the first place. I wanted to know why. I thought that if a person is responsible and mature, they would have the guts to call and explain, even if they were afraid of what my reaction would be. I talked with her already. She acted fine with everything. But she didn’t have the guts to call me back and explain. Or the time, anyway.

The few days following that January 8^th, I was in denial. It was the only way that I could keep myself from crying endlessly. I pretended that nothing happened. It didn’t matter. I was fine. I told God almost nothing, except that I would do His will, no matter what the cost. I thought that was what He wanted. I thought He wanted me to give up Angel for Him. I made a commitment to God at a youth meeting to put Him first in my life this year, and to place His will above my desires.

Maybe a week or so later, I took a Saturday to sit on my bed and read my Bible until I found something. (Psalm 119:81-82 “My soul faints for Your salvation, But I hope in Your word. My eyes fail from searching Your word, Saying, “When will You comfort me?”)

I didn’t know what I was searching for. I didn’t know what I would find. I started reading through the Psalms, starting in Psalm chapter one. I read and prayed for about two hours, trying to find something. God showed me Psalm 34: 18-“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” I prayed and tried to understand. I asked God to help me accept His will and help me to tell everyone, because I was much too disappointed to tell everyone myself. That day, I came to the conclusion that God brought this situation in my life to draw me closer to Him and to drive me to Himself.

Well, I managed to re-tell everyone that I had told about getting her that I wasn’t getting her. That was a God thing, because I seriously didn’t want to tell anyone. As I mentioned earlier, I never quite believed it was going to happen anyway, so I didn’t tell very many people. The thing I’m still trying to figure out is why it hurt so much when I never really believed it would happen in the first place.

I was devastated. I had suffered many disappointments before, but nothing so huge as this. I was very frustrated with people and life in general.

I was disappointed with God. I did not understand what He was doing. I felt like God had left me alone to handle it by myself. God had let me down. Or so I had thought.

I felt betrayed. Vulnerable. Broken. Shattered. Violated. Used.

I felt like God was playing with me. At first I thought He wanted it to happen that way. I didn’t understand why God would want me to be disappointed. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to go through this.

Hadn’t God promised over and over in His Word to be a shield for me? I thought He would protect me. Why did He stop protecting me?

Black Angel

The first one is my favorite.