God's Angel (Part Four)

Part Four

Well, that same day, my riding teacher told me that Angel’s owner had changed her mind about leasing Angel to me. Apparently, Angel’s owner was going to come and tell me herself, but we had called and changed the day that I was coming to Friday instead of Saturday. So Angel’s owner was not able to come. Angel’s owner was going to call me.

But there was another horse that my riding teacher knew of that was for sale that sounded like he would be a good horse. It was bitterly cold out, so I spent that afternoon playing a game inside until my Dad came to pick me up.

As we were heading out the driveway, my Dad made a comment on how we really needed to get some fencing going. I told him that there was no point because I was not getting Angel. Poor Dad didn’t know what to say. He quoted Job 1:21b- “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” I gripped that verse with all my strength, because I did not want to be bitter at God.

I had no idea how to break it to my Mom. She would be pretty disappointed. And she was. She wanted to know why Angel’s owner changed her mind.

I was in denial. Some days, I still am. I didn’t cry until at least two days later, because I was determined not to cry about it. I wished it was all a bad dream. What finally made me break down was when I was talking to my Mom. I told her I didn’t want another horse.

I think it was a few days later, we called my riding teacher. My Mom asked why Angel’s owner had changed her mind. Apparently, Angel’s owner was not comfortable with the idea because 1) I lived two hours away, and 2) I have never owned a horse before, and I probably would not know what to do if Angel became sick.

I thought about buying that other horse that my riding teacher knew about. I prayed about it, because I wasn’t sure if I could handle getting a horse right then. It turned out that that horse sold, too.

I felt like God was taking everything away.

I waited and waited for Angel’s owner to call me so I could understand why.

But she never did.

I was angry because I didn’t understand why she had told me about it in the first place. I wanted to know why. I thought that if a person is responsible and mature, they would have the guts to call and explain, even if they were afraid of what my reaction would be. I talked with her already. She acted fine with everything. But she didn’t have the guts to call me back and explain. Or the time, anyway.

The few days following that January 8^th, I was in denial. It was the only way that I could keep myself from crying endlessly. I pretended that nothing happened. It didn’t matter. I was fine. I told God almost nothing, except that I would do His will, no matter what the cost. I thought that was what He wanted. I thought He wanted me to give up Angel for Him. I made a commitment to God at a youth meeting to put Him first in my life this year, and to place His will above my desires.

Maybe a week or so later, I took a Saturday to sit on my bed and read my Bible until I found something. (Psalm 119:81-82 “My soul faints for Your salvation, But I hope in Your word. My eyes fail from searching Your word, Saying, “When will You comfort me?”)

I didn’t know what I was searching for. I didn’t know what I would find. I started reading through the Psalms, starting in Psalm chapter one. I read and prayed for about two hours, trying to find something. God showed me Psalm 34: 18-“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” I prayed and tried to understand. I asked God to help me accept His will and help me to tell everyone, because I was much too disappointed to tell everyone myself. That day, I came to the conclusion that God brought this situation in my life to draw me closer to Him and to drive me to Himself.

Well, I managed to re-tell everyone that I had told about getting her that I wasn’t getting her. That was a God thing, because I seriously didn’t want to tell anyone. As I mentioned earlier, I never quite believed it was going to happen anyway, so I didn’t tell very many people. The thing I’m still trying to figure out is why it hurt so much when I never really believed it would happen in the first place.

I was devastated. I had suffered many disappointments before, but nothing so huge as this. I was very frustrated with people and life in general.

I was disappointed with God. I did not understand what He was doing. I felt like God had left me alone to handle it by myself. God had let me down. Or so I had thought.

I felt betrayed. Vulnerable. Broken. Shattered. Violated. Used.

I felt like God was playing with me. At first I thought He wanted it to happen that way. I didn’t understand why God would want me to be disappointed. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to go through this.

Hadn’t God promised over and over in His Word to be a shield for me? I thought He would protect me. Why did He stop protecting me?

Black Angel

The first one is my favorite.

God's Angel (Part Three)

Part Three

Then, on November 30^th, 2009, the phone rang. My stomach had been feeling weird all day. I had no idea why, and there was no reason for it. There was a message on the cell phone. My Mom was acting very strange when she got off the phone from calling back. I was doing dishes and I asked who it was. She didn’t respond and went downstairs to speak with Dad. I can’t remember if Mom came back up and told me to come downstairs or if I just came downstairs. But it doesn’t matter that much either way. I sat down on the keyboard bench that was in my Dad’s office. It must have been five minutes of waiting for them to decide who was going to tell me. I think it was a combination of the two in the end, anyway.

Angel had had a colic incident and her owner had come to see her. Angel was fine. Her owner however, told my riding teacher that she had just moved and was going to be extremely busy for the next year. She wanted to lease Angel to someone for a year, and asked if my riding teacher knew of someone who would be interested. My riding teacher thought of me immediately.

I was going to lease Angel. She was going to be my horse for a year. She was going to live at my house and I was going to see her every day for a year. God answered my prayer more perfectly than I could have imagined. I didn’t quite believe it was really happening. I told a few people about it, but since I wasn’t positive it was happening until she was on my property, I didn’t tell very many people.

We called my riding teacher back to say that “yes,” I wanted to lease her. We got her owner’s phone number and called her. Angel’s owner’s phone was extremely full of messages and it was probably about two weeks before I got a hold of her to confirm it. I asked her my questions and told her that I wanted to lease Angel. She sounded like she was fine with everything, but really emphasized the fact that Angel needed good fencing. She told me to call her if I had any more questions and let her know when we could meet so we could talk about details.

In December, I went to see Angel again to go out and groom her and hang out with her. I sat in the paddock as she ate her hay and I talked to her about my plans. I talked to her about coming to live with me and how much fun it would be. I talked to her about God and how amazing He is. I told her about this amazing cranberry-colored blanket that I was going to get for her.

Christmas was insane here. I was happy, but really too busy to focus on anything. My Christmas Angel was not coming right away, but I was still totally happy. Angel was my favorite Christmas present.

Shortly after Christmas, I was becoming discouraged again because it kept snowing and we couldn’t build a barn or fencing in the snow. I had to wait until spring before I could bring her to my house. That horse that our friend had was sold.

On January 8^th, 2010, I went to see her again. It was freezing that day. I don’t think it made it out of the teens. But I didn’t care. I was so glad to see Angel. I told her that day that I didn’t understand how we were ever going to get a barn or fencing up if God kept sending all the snow. After all, didn’t He know how frustrated I was? I was discouraged and didn’t think that it would really happen. But I tried to tell myself that I had to be patient. I prayed with Angel and told God that I would wait. I told God that if it was His will for us to never be together, then I would accept that.

One of the hardest things to do as a Christian is telling God that you want His will more than you want yours. But if you want to give your life for God, it is a necessity. As I have already mentioned, there is a high price to be paid for following Christ. But I dare say it’s worth it. After all, hasn’t God already paid the highest price for me?

God's Angel (Part Two)

Part Two

Well, I forget exactly how the idea came up, but late that fall, I decided that I really wanted to buy Angel. Her owner never came to see her and I loved her so much. I saw her more than her owner did. She followed me around like a puppy (most horses don’t really do that).

I began to beseech God about her. I prayed about loving her so much. I prayed about wanting to own her. I prayed about her owner. I prayed that God would give Angel to me or have her owner come out more often to see her. I prayed that God would do His will in the situation, and that I would be content. I literally prayed by candlelight.

I asked my parents, and my Mom seemed okay with the idea. My Dad eventually said “no,” because it was just “not practical.” My riding teacher insisted that Angel’s owner would not sell her. She said that Angel’s owner loved Angel too much (In my mind, I don’t understand how you can love something so much and not make time for them, but that’s just me). For some reason I’m not sure of, I decided not to lose hope about Angel. I had prayed about her and I knew God was going to answer my prayer in some way.

Christmas of 2008, I received some really nice new riding boots and a riding helmet. Yeah, those are awesome. I still believed that I was going to get a horse. My riding teacher told me that I wouldn’t be getting stuff for horses if I wasn’t going to get a horse someday.

As the months dragged by, I don’t know how many times I asked my riding teacher to talk to Angel’s owner about selling Angel. I loved Angel so much. We were still living in another rental house at that point, and still didn’t have a place for her. At one point that summer, my riding teacher told me that I really should ride a different horse, because I was “becoming too attached” to Angel, and since her owner would never sell her, I shouldn’t become too attached. Well, I can’t really say that it helped me any, because I loved her just as much as ever, if not more. But Angel’s owner seemed firm that Angel should stay at my riding teacher’s house.

People told me not to be discouraged because God had “the right horse” out there and He would bring it at the right time. And I didn’t have a place to keep a horse at the time. They said that Angel was something that God used to help me know what I wanted in a horse. Okay. Sorry, but they totally didn’t understand. At the time, Angel was the only horse in the world that I wanted.

The summer of 2009, I prayed a lot over her. I told God about how I felt, because no one else understood. I told Him that I loved her and didn’t want another horse. I received a grooming kit for my birthday that year. I argued with myself about using my own grooming kit on Angel, because I wanted to save it for my own horse and knew that Angel was never going to be mine. I finally made the decision that I would just go ahead and use it on her.

We started building our new house late that spring. I was torn about moving. I wanted to have a home, and I hated the rental we lived in. I had nothing left where we were living. But I didn’t want to go because of Angel. I wanted to take her with me. I didn’t want to leave her behind. I told God that I didn’t want to leave her behind.

That summer, I went to visit a rescue farm that I was thinking of rescuing a horse from, too. I filled out a form and was going to wait for a horse, because I really was going to get a horse in the fall of 2009. I wasn’t actually sure I was going to get a horse from that farm though.

It was late summer when we finally moved to our new house. We had quite a mess trying to get settled, but that’s a different story. I ended up emailing that rescue farm and telling them that I was not going to be ready for a horse, because I had no fencing or barn, let alone pasture grass. Our “pasture” consisted of briars, thorny locusts, and stumps from pine trees that were taken out a year or so before. Not the ideal horse pasture. I was pretty much not getting a horse that fall. I saw several ads for horses that I was interested in, but again, I didn’t have a place to put one, nor did we have the time to put a place up.

I prayed for patience, because I thought that God wanted me to wait a while longer. But I was losing hope of getting a horse at all. I still loved Angel and wanted to have her, but I hadn’t brought up the subject of buying her to anyone for a long time. Except God. I talked to God all the time about life and horses. He knew how much I loved her. He knew how much I wanted her. But I had given up on the idea of getting her.

My riding teacher mentioned a horse to me that her friend had that I was interested in, but that didn’t end up becoming solid.

I saw a few horses that I wanted to buy, but as I already mentioned, we didn’t have time or money for building a place to put a horse.

Then a friend in the area made the decision to sell her horse. I spoke with my parents about buying her, because she sounded like an amazing horse and I really wanted to meet her. It actually sounded like it was going to work out if I liked the horse. My Mom was going to call her to set up a time to come see the horse. I prayed about whether this was the right horse or not. I asked God to help me to know. I asked God to help me to let go of Angel.