God's Angel (Part Three)

Part Three

Then, on November 30^th, 2009, the phone rang. My stomach had been feeling weird all day. I had no idea why, and there was no reason for it. There was a message on the cell phone. My Mom was acting very strange when she got off the phone from calling back. I was doing dishes and I asked who it was. She didn’t respond and went downstairs to speak with Dad. I can’t remember if Mom came back up and told me to come downstairs or if I just came downstairs. But it doesn’t matter that much either way. I sat down on the keyboard bench that was in my Dad’s office. It must have been five minutes of waiting for them to decide who was going to tell me. I think it was a combination of the two in the end, anyway.

Angel had had a colic incident and her owner had come to see her. Angel was fine. Her owner however, told my riding teacher that she had just moved and was going to be extremely busy for the next year. She wanted to lease Angel to someone for a year, and asked if my riding teacher knew of someone who would be interested. My riding teacher thought of me immediately.

I was going to lease Angel. She was going to be my horse for a year. She was going to live at my house and I was going to see her every day for a year. God answered my prayer more perfectly than I could have imagined. I didn’t quite believe it was really happening. I told a few people about it, but since I wasn’t positive it was happening until she was on my property, I didn’t tell very many people.

We called my riding teacher back to say that “yes,” I wanted to lease her. We got her owner’s phone number and called her. Angel’s owner’s phone was extremely full of messages and it was probably about two weeks before I got a hold of her to confirm it. I asked her my questions and told her that I wanted to lease Angel. She sounded like she was fine with everything, but really emphasized the fact that Angel needed good fencing. She told me to call her if I had any more questions and let her know when we could meet so we could talk about details.

In December, I went to see Angel again to go out and groom her and hang out with her. I sat in the paddock as she ate her hay and I talked to her about my plans. I talked to her about coming to live with me and how much fun it would be. I talked to her about God and how amazing He is. I told her about this amazing cranberry-colored blanket that I was going to get for her.

Christmas was insane here. I was happy, but really too busy to focus on anything. My Christmas Angel was not coming right away, but I was still totally happy. Angel was my favorite Christmas present.

Shortly after Christmas, I was becoming discouraged again because it kept snowing and we couldn’t build a barn or fencing in the snow. I had to wait until spring before I could bring her to my house. That horse that our friend had was sold.

On January 8^th, 2010, I went to see her again. It was freezing that day. I don’t think it made it out of the teens. But I didn’t care. I was so glad to see Angel. I told her that day that I didn’t understand how we were ever going to get a barn or fencing up if God kept sending all the snow. After all, didn’t He know how frustrated I was? I was discouraged and didn’t think that it would really happen. But I tried to tell myself that I had to be patient. I prayed with Angel and told God that I would wait. I told God that if it was His will for us to never be together, then I would accept that.

One of the hardest things to do as a Christian is telling God that you want His will more than you want yours. But if you want to give your life for God, it is a necessity. As I have already mentioned, there is a high price to be paid for following Christ. But I dare say it’s worth it. After all, hasn’t God already paid the highest price for me?

God's Angel (Part Two)

Part Two

Well, I forget exactly how the idea came up, but late that fall, I decided that I really wanted to buy Angel. Her owner never came to see her and I loved her so much. I saw her more than her owner did. She followed me around like a puppy (most horses don’t really do that).

I began to beseech God about her. I prayed about loving her so much. I prayed about wanting to own her. I prayed about her owner. I prayed that God would give Angel to me or have her owner come out more often to see her. I prayed that God would do His will in the situation, and that I would be content. I literally prayed by candlelight.

I asked my parents, and my Mom seemed okay with the idea. My Dad eventually said “no,” because it was just “not practical.” My riding teacher insisted that Angel’s owner would not sell her. She said that Angel’s owner loved Angel too much (In my mind, I don’t understand how you can love something so much and not make time for them, but that’s just me). For some reason I’m not sure of, I decided not to lose hope about Angel. I had prayed about her and I knew God was going to answer my prayer in some way.

Christmas of 2008, I received some really nice new riding boots and a riding helmet. Yeah, those are awesome. I still believed that I was going to get a horse. My riding teacher told me that I wouldn’t be getting stuff for horses if I wasn’t going to get a horse someday.

As the months dragged by, I don’t know how many times I asked my riding teacher to talk to Angel’s owner about selling Angel. I loved Angel so much. We were still living in another rental house at that point, and still didn’t have a place for her. At one point that summer, my riding teacher told me that I really should ride a different horse, because I was “becoming too attached” to Angel, and since her owner would never sell her, I shouldn’t become too attached. Well, I can’t really say that it helped me any, because I loved her just as much as ever, if not more. But Angel’s owner seemed firm that Angel should stay at my riding teacher’s house.

People told me not to be discouraged because God had “the right horse” out there and He would bring it at the right time. And I didn’t have a place to keep a horse at the time. They said that Angel was something that God used to help me know what I wanted in a horse. Okay. Sorry, but they totally didn’t understand. At the time, Angel was the only horse in the world that I wanted.

The summer of 2009, I prayed a lot over her. I told God about how I felt, because no one else understood. I told Him that I loved her and didn’t want another horse. I received a grooming kit for my birthday that year. I argued with myself about using my own grooming kit on Angel, because I wanted to save it for my own horse and knew that Angel was never going to be mine. I finally made the decision that I would just go ahead and use it on her.

We started building our new house late that spring. I was torn about moving. I wanted to have a home, and I hated the rental we lived in. I had nothing left where we were living. But I didn’t want to go because of Angel. I wanted to take her with me. I didn’t want to leave her behind. I told God that I didn’t want to leave her behind.

That summer, I went to visit a rescue farm that I was thinking of rescuing a horse from, too. I filled out a form and was going to wait for a horse, because I really was going to get a horse in the fall of 2009. I wasn’t actually sure I was going to get a horse from that farm though.

It was late summer when we finally moved to our new house. We had quite a mess trying to get settled, but that’s a different story. I ended up emailing that rescue farm and telling them that I was not going to be ready for a horse, because I had no fencing or barn, let alone pasture grass. Our “pasture” consisted of briars, thorny locusts, and stumps from pine trees that were taken out a year or so before. Not the ideal horse pasture. I was pretty much not getting a horse that fall. I saw several ads for horses that I was interested in, but again, I didn’t have a place to put one, nor did we have the time to put a place up.

I prayed for patience, because I thought that God wanted me to wait a while longer. But I was losing hope of getting a horse at all. I still loved Angel and wanted to have her, but I hadn’t brought up the subject of buying her to anyone for a long time. Except God. I talked to God all the time about life and horses. He knew how much I loved her. He knew how much I wanted her. But I had given up on the idea of getting her.

My riding teacher mentioned a horse to me that her friend had that I was interested in, but that didn’t end up becoming solid.

I saw a few horses that I wanted to buy, but as I already mentioned, we didn’t have time or money for building a place to put a horse.

Then a friend in the area made the decision to sell her horse. I spoke with my parents about buying her, because she sounded like an amazing horse and I really wanted to meet her. It actually sounded like it was going to work out if I liked the horse. My Mom was going to call her to set up a time to come see the horse. I prayed about whether this was the right horse or not. I asked God to help me to know. I asked God to help me to let go of Angel.

Twelve years old

Well, today is my twelfth spiritual birthday.

Twelve years ago today, my Jesus saved me. He gave me more mercy and grace than I could ever hope to deserve. There is no way that I can repay Him. He is the best God ever. I can't wait to see Him face to face. I love Him. Thank You, Lord.

There are no words that go deep enough to tell my gratitude. Jesus, You're the BEST!!! =)

God's Angel (Part One)

Part One

Well, I guess I will start this by saying that writing this is something extremely abnormal for me. I don’t really tell people about things that happen in my life; I especially don’t share things when 1) I’m talking to people I don’t know very well, or 2) I’m talking about something that is really bothering me. So this is unusual for me to be doing.

First of all, I will explain why I’m sharing this with you. I want to be short and clear in explaining my purpose. I am not writing this to obtain sympathy from anyone. I am not writing this because I think I’m better than anyone else or that I’ve gone through more than anyone else. Quite the contrary, actually. If there is anyone else out there that has struggled with bitterness or resentment toward God or life in general, I want to be sympathetic. I am not condoning those reactions, but I want you to know that you’re not the only one. I have not suffered any more trials than any of you out there. I would imagine that most of you don’t want to share the trials that you have gone through, as I have not wanted to share mine. And I will not condemn you for that, but I believe that writing this is something God wants me to do. I think that He should get the glory for even the things that don’t seem so beautiful to us. Because God can use even the ugly, broken things in life.

To state my purpose simply: I want God to use this situation in my life for His glory. I want Him to use it in other people’s lives. I want Him to have glory in whatever may occur in my life. Give praise to my God, because He is all I am and He is the only reason I am writing this. I don’t deserve any praise, because I have done nothing right. Give praise to my God, for He is worthy.

Secondly, I ask, if God teaches you something through this, that you please tell me. It doesn’t have to be in a comment. You are more than welcome to send me an email or a message if you have any questions about what I said or if you want to talk about it further. I would love the opportunity to pray for you. I don’t want to hear thanks for anything that I have said or done, because this is not because of me. This is because of God. I want to point to Jesus and give my God the glory. But if God shows you something through this, I really would love to hear from you, even if all you have to say is that God is awesome. I want to praise Him with you.

Thirdly, I do not want to condone any of my reactions to this situation in my life. I am far from perfect, and I would hope that people would have way more faith than I do. I admit that I do have a lack of faith. But as the father said in Mark 9:24, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!” I am weak, but He is strong. As I am not perfect, I hope that you do not take this at face value and just accept every word I say. Test it, pray about it, study God’s word and meditate on it so that you can know what God thinks about this. Because I am going to make mistakes in this. I have no doubt that I already have. So, please, prayerfully consider what I have to say.

Fourthly, it may sound like I am angry at people in this story or holding grudges toward them. I just want to say that I don’t. I love them all, and even though I don’t necessarily agree with them, I have forgiven them. So please, don’t anyone assume that I am holding grudges against you, if you’re in this story. The reason you are in this story is because God used you in my life.

Most of you haven’t heard this story. Some of you have already heard the facts. But there is much more than just the facts. This is a story about hope and disappointment. This is a story about something that God used in my life to draw me close to Him. There have been many things in the recent years that God has used to draw me to Him. But this particular situation was different. It really tested my faith. It still is testing my faith every day as I question whether God really is there. I question whether He really loves me. I ask what He is trying to teach me. I wonder if He really understands. My biggest question still stands at this moment.

“Why, Lord?”

I would say that 99% of you know that I love horses. I would think that that is pretty obvious. I have always loved horses for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t addicted until a few years ago; I decided that I pretty much HAD to have riding lessons. I think I was almost thirteen at the time. I begged my Mom to let me start riding lessons. It turned out that my piano teacher’s sister was taking riding lessons with someone who gave riding lessons as a ministry for God and charged a very inexpensive price. Well, after at least few months of my pleas, my Mom finally let me start riding lessons when I turned thirteen. I fell in love with horses that day.

Over the next year or so, I learned everything I could about horses. I was determined that I was going to get one as soon as my friend and I could afford it. I look back and laugh now, in a way. We didn’t have room for a horse on our property and I would never have been able to board. But I watched websites and bulletins for horses for sale. In my thirteen-year-old mind, I so was going to get a horse. I actually tried to talk my parents into leasing my favorite horse at my riding teacher’s farm. Obviously, that didn’t go over very well.

Well, during my 14^th year, my parents decided that we were going to move to a place where we could have some land. At first, I was sooo excited because I thought that I was going to have a horse by the next spring. We did manage to sell our house, but we didn’t have a house to live in yet (we bought land to build a house). That next spring we were living in a rental house, just down the road from our old house because my Dad didn’t have a job where we wanted to move. My friends had stopped talking to me since we had said we were moving. We had changed churches. There was a lot of stress in the house. I was beginning to lose my hope that I would get a horse until the next spring. I wrestled with deep depression during my 15^th year that I hope I will never have to fight again. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it. I lost hope for a future. God was the One who pulled me through. I would never have survived it if He hadn’t come in.

I have grown up in a Christian family, and I came to a knowledge of Jesus Christ as my Savior at the age of five. Actually, it was the day before I turned five when we were on our way to Virginia. I always loved God and I wanted to serve Him with all my heart. But I had never known God on a personal level, where I actually knew that He cared and didn’t just read that He loves me. I found Jesus during my 15^th year. I found Him on the real level that I had never known Him before. We were visiting churches, because we had no home church; and so I had to find God on my own, because we were in a different church every Sunday for a while. I had to search for Him and seek Him, because He wasn’t just handed to me anymore. I drew close to God. I learned about His love and His care. I learned that He was who He said He was and is who He says He is. I learned about His comfort and about His protection. I learned about His constant presence and encouragement. More than anything, I learned that God wanted me to wait for horses.

There was a six-month period of waiting time between Christmas of my 14^th year and my 15^th birthday that next year. I had no contact with horses whatsoever. I craved horses. I did not have any clue why God didn’t want me to be around horses. I wanted so badly to be around horses. But for a couple of months, I didn’t tell anyone. I was scared that Mom would say “no” if I asked her if I could see horses again. I brought it up once or twice, but no one ever did anything about it. I emailed my riding teacher just after Christmas to ask how she was doing. I still remember the email about a grey Arabian horse named “Angel” who was being boarded at her house. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t go meet her, because I loved Arabs. I didn’t understand why God brought her along after I left my riding lessons.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I asked my Mom if I could go riding for my 15^th birthday. She said “yes.” I was elated. To put it mildly. Those six months of waiting were so hard. Although it was a one-time riding lesson, I was still excited. The day that I went, I asked my riding teacher if I could ride my favorite horse, Rocky, bareback and take him over a jump. I had such an amazing lesson! It felt sooo good to be around horses again. I also made time to go meet Angel, the grey Arabian that my riding teacher had told me about. Ohhh, she was gorgeous! Honestly, that was about as far as my thoughts went about her at the time, because I loved Rocky.

My riding teacher has horses for a ministry, and she asks groups of people to come and ride. In the summer of 2008, I was able to share the gospel with an eight-year-old girl from New York as I lead Sassy around the ring. I hope that she never forgot that conversation.

In the fall of 2008, I talked my Mom into letting me go riding again. My riding teacher told me that I really should ride Angel, because she thought that I would love her. I really wanted to, but my riding teacher wanted to watch me, just to make sure it would be safe, and she had to teach a lesson while I rode. So I ended up riding Rocky that day.

My riding teacher asked me to come and help again with another group in 2008. I had so much fun that day in November. I helped with the horses and I even had a chance to ride Rocky on the trail. He was being such a sweetheart that day (which is very odd for Rocky). It was a perfect day for riding, too. The leaves were changing colors and the horses were feeling really good. When the group that came that day left, a couple of girls and I stayed afterwards to ride. They rode their horses that they boarded there, and my riding teacher encouraged me to ride Angel that day. I prepared to ride her, and since she had not been ridden in months, we made her run around the ring so that she would be a bit calmer when I rode. Angel is a very affectionate horse and she hadn’t had any attention for months, so when I groomed her she was all over me. I am not kidding. She absolutely loved the grooming. I rode Angel for probably an hour or so that day, and it was one of the best rides I have ever had. She had a choppy stride as she had not been ridden for a while and was out of practice, but she was so full of energy and I had a blast riding her. When I finished up, one of the girls there asked me to leave Angel in the smaller ring so that she could work with her. So I left her in the small ring that day. She hesitated about leaving the gate when I left her in the ring. She was so happy to have the attention. I think she liked me.

After that day, I rode Angel almost every time I went riding. I still loved Rocky, but my riding teacher had leased him out to someone and so he was being ridden almost every day. I was the only one who ever really rode Angel. Her owner boarded her there because it was closer to where she lived at the time and she “could see her more often.” Her owner was busy with being a lawyer and having two young children. Because Angel is such an energetic horse, most of my riding teacher’s students couldn’t ride her.